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Porterfield

aka Beric Dondarrion

1,525 Edits since joining this wiki
December 12, 2011
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    Porterfield

    Snitch - Review Roundup

    February 22, 2013 by Porterfield


    One thing is for certain, Snitch (in theaters today) is not your typical Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson movie. Looking at his filmography, you will find family adventures ("Journey to the Center of the Earth", "Race to Witch Mountain", "Tooth Fairy", etc.), explosive action franchises ("G.I. Joe", "The Fast and the Furious", "The Mummy", etc.), and stand-alone action flops with generic names ("Faster", "The Rundown", "Walking Tall", etc.).

    "Snitch" has a title like the latter films, but it's not a flop, not family-friendly, and definitely not a true explosive action movie, despite being centered around family and action. Top film critics have all highlighted the following points:

    1. Snitch features more slow character development than the action tha…

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    Porterfield

    Beautiful Creatures hits theaters today (Valentine's Day, how perfect!) and unless you're a Caster Chronicles obsessed teen who is going to see this flick no matter what people say, you should probably check out this collection of reviews, as they are overwhelmingly mediocre. Before you get to them, here are some important notes:

    • Beautiful Creatures is trying to rope in all of the "Twilight" with a a few changes: the boy for the girl, "casters" for vampires, and the South for the Northwest. But we already knew that, didn't we?
    • The performances of leads Alice Englert and Alden Ehrenreich have been unanimously heralded as above average, with some critics saying that they were absolutely superb. What is most certain is that they are more likabl…
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    Porterfield

    Ugh. The Canyons is so bad that they'd rather show pretty shots of Los Angeles set to music instead of a single scene from the movie. How are we supposed to know what this film is even about? Did they seriously think it would help by displaying Lindsay Lohan's name and Twitter handle?



    Hollywood depresses me. This movie is being released 3 weeks after the marketing frenzy and release of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, which got terrible reviews. What's even more depressing is that I'd rather watch this one. How much would I have to pay you to watch both of them in a row?



    I don't know which is worse, the Noobz trailer below, which features awful D-list celebrity cameos, product placement, and stereotypes, or the alternate trailer, a horrible du…






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    Porterfield

    It seems like every action star from the 1980's is desperate to make a few more wallet-fattening blockbusters before their joints give out. I can't pinpoint exactly when it started, but let us blame Stallone's 2010 film The Expendables, which featured not just one 1980's action star, but all of them, and led to last year's sequel.

    Obviously the driving factor is money and fame. Artistically, I think most of these guys should be aiming for a Clint Eastwood-like comeback as a bad ass old man a la "Gran Torino", but their muscles overshadow their acting skills and they just love explosions so much more than character development, well-written dialogue, wit, love, drama, and the lot. Outside the ensemble cast of "The Expendables", we have Bruce…

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    Porterfield

    Warm Bodies is the story of a zombie ("R", played by Nicholas Hoult) who falls in love with a human ("Julie", played by Teresa Palmer). The cast also includes the great John Malkovich, the hilarious Rob Corddry, and the unproven Dave Franco, younger brother of James. This being a zombie love story/comedy, the zom-rom-com references are flowing with much more volume than the positive reviews for this film, although the most famous critic on the list, Richard Roeper, has given "Warm Bodies" its highest score of 3.5 out of 4!

    Having read all of these reviews and digested their overwhelming disappointment in the unfulfilled potential of this film's concept, I think it's safe to say that anyone going into this film as a skeptic will be pleasantl…

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